The Silly Games

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The modern Olympic Games are gradually becoming less popular.

They’re too commercial, vulgar, drug-enhanced and, more than anything, unfriendly.

There’s one major country in particular whose athletes refuse to demonstrate any goodwill towards foreigners at all, almost as though it’s a point of pride for them to scowl for the whole two weeks.

The games are also becoming expensive and troublesome to host. In 1956, the Melbourne Games were run on a relative shoestring, with many athletes being billeted among local families who volunteered.

By Sydney 2000, new venues had to be built and the whole thing was a massive logistical undertaking, akin to a war.

It’s now gotten to the point that it’s hard to find a city willing to host the games. Security, quarantine, political protests for every cause on Planet Earth, athletes throwing tantrums and all the rest of it.

Who wants that?

Some have suggested that Australia might want it. There’s talk of setting up a permanent home for the Olympics and Sydney was mentioned because those were the last games that went pretty well, despite all the hassles.

This is not a terrible idea, although I reckon a better way would be to rotate the games through three host cities in different time zones: one in Asia, one in Europe and one in the Americas. That way each would only have to deal with it every twelve years instead of every four, thus easing the risk of Olympic fatigue.

We’d have to have assurances from all major nations that (a) they wouldn’t whinge about these locations once we’ve all agreed to them, and (b) that they would not boycott any of them no matter how naughty Australia has been.

Still, I think we’re a bit sick of the Olympics as presently constituted. It’s all become too professional, serious and dull.

It’s no fun anymore.

Therefore, I propose the Silly Games.

Events

The Silly Games will only feature ridiculous events that will never be taken seriously enough to be considered professional, and which hold little commercial appeal for advertisers. They will require cooperation and good cheer among even the grumpiest nations, and tempt the stoniest athletes and fans to crack a smile.

Here are some suggestions:

– The three-legged race (athletes of various nations are paired by lot, or enemy nations are paired together just for lolzz)

– The egg-and-spoon race

– Barrel of Monkeys mud wrestle (it’s like chess boxing)

– The bean bag scramble

– Dodgeball, with two balls in play. Three or more if it’s starting to drag

And over to the pool:

– The horsey (belly-flop)

– The bomb

– Swimming races kept amateur by announcing at the last minute what the stroke will be; i.e. it might turn out to be a mixed-nationality 4 x 50 relay requiring the doggie-paddle, survival backstroke, dolphin kick and feet-first sculling

Each Olympics might also offer new, unexpected events so that athletes have no chance to train or drug themselves up for them. Examples might include:

– sculling a pint

– Simon Says

– Gaelic football

– the silly walk

Rules

The Silly Games will not be a free-for-all. Athletes will solemnly pledge to adhere to the following:

– No temper tantrums (French athletes only get a warning for the first offense so as to keep things inclusive)

– No taking anything too seriously

– No cheating (umpires can decide on the spot what constitutes ‘cheating’ based on the spirit of the game. No convoluted rulebooks required)

– Don’t be a dick

– As for sledging (trash talk), the only rule shall be: Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it

Wrongdoers will be dacked (pantsed) in the centre of the stadium.

Scoring and awards

Extra points will be awarded for flair, good humour and generally being cool.

Points will be deducted for complaining, pouting and sulking.

Winning athletes will receive a Snickers Bar (gold), a Mars Bar (silver) or a Milky Way (bronze).

Athletes that come last will received a wooden spoon.

The overall winning team will have its national anthem played on kazoo during the closing ceremony.

I don’t like spectator sports but I reckon this might be something I’d watch.