Don’t fuck up

In prehistoric times, there were endless ways of fucking up.  You could zig when you were supposed to zag while hunting woolly rhino.  You could get an infected cut.  You could get caught sleeping with Og’s girl and have your skull cleaved in two.  You could fail to adapt when your world suddenly freezes over and your previous food sources disappear.

Even in the agricultural age a lot of things could go wrong.  Most of them related to Read More

Heart of Darkness

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I’m dating a girl.  She’s twenty-five.

I asked her as a joke how many times she’s been married.  She said, ‘Married?  That’s something I’ll think about when I’m, like, thirty.’

I said nothing.

I could have said a lot.

Being well into my thirties myself, I’ve dated many women who have passed the dreaded three-oh.  Pretty much all of them had the same plan.  In their twenties they would travel the world, find themselves, spend all their money and have amazing experiences like Read More

Milk and Wine

Debbie.

Forty-five, fat in a short, roly-poly kind of way.  Greying, middle-aged hairstyle.  A loving and formidable mother to her school-age children.  She’d had an interesting life.  Rode a motorbike with her boyfriend (now husband) on the hippy trail from Calais to Singapore in the 1970s, passing through the Soviet Union, Afghanistan and Bangladesh on the way. She showed us a photo of them on the bike in outback Pakistan.  Yowzah!  She was well hot, dressed in skimpy shorts and a sleeveless shirt.  He was tall, hairy and clad in leather, a sombre intelligence emanating from his craggy features.  She was my former colleague.  A few of us got together at her house for a reunion.

She lived with her family on a sprawling bush property outside the city in a large, custom designed timber house.  They had a lady who came around once a week to help clean and they had a contract with a company that cleaned the pool and cleared the fire break.  It was far more than us low-level functionaries could afford on our own – clearly hubbie was on the shit.  Good for him.

The man himself met us at the door.  For a moment I was startled and  couldn’t guess who he might be.   Read More

Why I Am Not Married

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I’ve been around the block a few times.

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends and there have been many, less serious others who have come and gone over the years.

So, why am I not married?  Why have I never even come close?

Even in my deepest, darkest days swilling pills of azure, I maintained a small particle of self-regard.  I would not take seriously a woman who demonstrated that she would hurt me or who was otherwise not up to scratch.

So what are their sins, these ladies who didn’t make the grade?  I list them here for your convenience and education: Read More