Why I Am Not Married

women falling.jpeg

I’ve been around the block a few times.

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends and there have been many, less serious others who have come and gone over the years.

So, why am I not married?  Why have I never even come close?

Even in my deepest, darkest days swilling pills of azure, I maintained a small particle of self-regard.  I would not take seriously a woman who demonstrated that she would hurt me or who was otherwise not up to scratch.

So what are their sins, these ladies who didn’t make the grade?  I list them here for your convenience and education:

  • Tried to push me off a moving scooter.
  • Was anorexic.
  • Previously dated a cool married guy who worked in the popular music industry.
  • Wanted me to furnish her new apartment AND rarely wanted to have sex AND didn’t give blow jobs.
  • Started a screaming match with a shop assistant because he wouldn’t let her bring me more clothes in the changing room.  I couldn’t go outside and sort it out immediately because my pants were around my ankles.
  • Previously dated many married CEOs including her boss who was really fat.  Actually she didn’t date them, just fucked them.  And she told me that.  And made it clear that I would have to date her, not just fuck her, because I was not as good as them.
  • Would avoid seeing me if I seemed in any way eager, even slightly.  Would only meet me if I was totally disinterested and kept texts to a slow, bare minimum.  This was a few girls, actually.
  • Divorced single mother with a horrid toddler.  Oh, and she hit me in the head when we had sex and said ‘naughty boy’ because I was open with her about my philandering ways.  These days I just lie.
  • Previously dated a famous, married bass player.  She still went along to his gigs on a regular basis and was friends with him and his wife.  Put on a video of him without being asked while I was over once.  Sometimes invited me along to his shows.  I declined.
  • Had inverted nipples.  Is that shallow?  Well, she also wouldn’t give blowjobs and was a bit old.
  • Had two cats which she treated like she was an Underclass mother.  Every inch of the house was covered in kitsch cat stuff: cat-shaped pillows, cat clock, paw print design towels etc.  And cat hair.
  • After we’d dated for six months and she was supposedly getting really serious, I noticed that she’d recently updated her profile photos on the dating website where we’d met.  One photo was from her sister’s wedding which we’d attended together.  The profile still said she was ‘single’ and looking to meet men for dating.  Before this revelation I had, to my surprise, contemplated getting serious with this girl.  The inclination has not struck since, with anyone.

Today I don’t think I could marry or have kids even if I met the perfect girl.  I’m happy enough dating a lady until she screws up and then moving on to the next one.

Oh, did I forget anyone?  PM me ya little harlots.


Further reading: A Tale of Two Girls

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  1. Lee Holloway · March 1, 2016

    most married people hate being married. and most people with kids will wistfully say they are happy they had them but do miss their old lives. it’s all a double edged sword, grass is greener, whatever other cliche you can think of situation.

    your approach is sensible. very smart.

    also where did you find these women? ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bucky · March 8, 2016

    you are wise beyond your years, gospodin vladivostok. i mean, i’m happily married but i got one of the only good ones left out there.


    • Nikolai Vladivostok · June 5, 2016

      Well done, Bucky. Good luck to you both.
      You know, I’m kind of glad I have this excuse for not getting married because, deep down, I don’t want to. Family life isn’t for everyone. Not that I really need an excuse but . . . it prevents me from second guessing my choice.


      • Anonymous · June 8, 2016

        thanks, man.

        consider it a blessing that you know you don’t want to get married. a lot of guys spend years agonizing over whether or not they should. at the same time, if i were you i’d stay open to changing your mind when you get around my age sometime down the road when you’re middle aged. as men, we have the luxury of time. of course, as the author of the sublime “milk and wine” you know that.


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