I’ve been around the block a few times.
I’ve had a lot of girlfriends and there have been many, less serious others who have come and gone over the years.
So, why am I not married? Why have I never even come close?
Even in my deepest, darkest days swilling pills of azure, I maintained a small particle of self-regard. I would not take seriously a woman who demonstrated that she would hurt me or who was otherwise not up to scratch.
So what are their sins, these ladies who didn’t make the grade? I list them here for your convenience and education:
- Tried to push me off a moving scooter.
- Was anorexic.
- Previously dated a cool married guy who worked in the popular music industry.
- Wanted me to furnish her new apartment AND rarely wanted to have sex AND didn’t give blow jobs.
- Started a screaming match with a shop assistant because he wouldn’t let her bring me more clothes in the changing room. I couldn’t go outside and sort it out immediately because my pants were around my ankles.
- Previously dated many married CEOs including her boss who was really fat. Actually she didn’t date them, just fucked them. And she told me that. And made it clear that I would have to date her, not just fuck her, because I was not as good as them.
- Would avoid seeing me if I seemed in any way eager, even slightly. Would only meet me if I was totally disinterested and kept texts to a slow, bare minimum. This was a few girls, actually.
- Divorced single mother with a horrid toddler. Oh, and she hit me in the head when we had sex and said ‘naughty boy’ because I was open with her about my philandering ways. These days I just lie.
- Previously dated a famous, married bass player. She still went along to his gigs on a regular basis and was friends with him and his wife. Put on a video of him without being asked while I was over once. Sometimes invited me along to his shows. I declined.
- Had inverted nipples. Is that shallow? Well, she also wouldn’t give blowjobs and was a bit old.
- Had two cats which she treated like she was an Underclass mother. Every inch of the house was covered in kitsch cat stuff: cat-shaped pillows, cat clock, paw print design towels etc. And cat hair.
- After we’d dated for six months and she was supposedly getting really serious, I noticed that she’d recently updated her profile photos on the dating website where we’d met. One photo was from her sister’s wedding which we’d attended together. The profile still said she was ‘single’ and looking to meet men for dating. Before this revelation I had, to my surprise, contemplated getting serious with this girl. The inclination has not struck since, with anyone.
Today I don’t think I could marry or have kids even if I met the perfect girl. I’m happy enough dating a lady until she screws up and then moving on to the next one.
Oh, did I forget anyone? PM me ya little harlots.
Further reading: A Tale of Two Girls
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