This post is for the young blokes out there. It is also for those older blokes who, perhaps freshly divorced, are back in the dating game and are unaware of the new rules. This advice is mostly for same-night-lays and other fragile encounters. It is unlikely to be useful to married men or the celibate (tautology?).
- Carefully remove penis from the vagina (or wherever) while holding the base of the condom to ensure no leakage of semen.
- Cuddle the lady for a few minutes. Keep the condom on. Don’t cuddle her too much – mostly, she should cuddle you. A good move is to lie on your back with her head resting on your shoulder. If you really want to give her a good old kiss and a cuddle, do so just for a few seconds and then return to the resting alpha position. Carefully balancing attraction-building aloofness with comfort-building presence will keep her keen and reduce the chances of ugly accusations in the morning.
- After a few minutes, gently extract yourself and go to the bathroom with the condom still on. Carefully remove the condom, checking for any obvious tears.
- Rinse the condom twice. Turn it inside out and rinse once more.
- Wrap the inside-out condom in some tissues or toilet paper and throw it in the trash. Do not flush it down the toilet – most septic systems can’t handle it. It is quite safe rinsed and wrapped. Sperm is resilient stuff and can survive in semen, outside the body, for more than twenty-four hours. It can do this if the semen is wet. Your semen, if you have followed my instructions, is mostly down the drain and any residue in the inside-out condom will quickly dry in the tissue, killing the sperm.
- Carefully wipe any remaining semen or other matter from your person. Whatever trace amounts are left will dry, rendering it harmless.
- Wash your nether regions if you have slept with a notorious slut or a pro. If you’re not sure, you probably have. This might not protect against STDs but it will make you feel better. Soap washes away the sin.
- Return to bed and resume the resting alpha position described in 2. If you have a second round of lovemaking, rinse and repeat. None of your paranoid contraceptive activities should have raised her ire because you were in another room and she didn’t see you. All she heard was some splashing, which is normal in a bathroom. If she goes through the trash your distrust will still not be obvious – condoms are pretty opaque and hey, maybe you just didn’t cum much. If she tries to retrieve sperm once you’ve gone she’ll probably reach for it in the inside of the condom, which was the outside. The FBI, at this stage, would be struggling to retrieve your DNA.
- In Resting Alpha, your arm will get sore or numb after about 15 minutes. You can gently extract it at that time and make yourself comfortable.
- a) If you are staying for the night: chat for a bit if she wants. If not, go to sleep. If she asks you ‘What are we?’, give a non-committal answer. This is true whether you want a serious relationship or not. If you don’t want one, she will get angry with you for either lying or for being too brutally honest and she may try to destroy your life. If you do want a relationship, she will disrespect you for committing too early as it demonstrates a lack of options on your part. (b) If you don’t stay the night, hang around for at least an hour, probably longer. Have a chat, watch TV. Leave with some affection. If she hints you can go, linger for around ten minutes to make it seem like you don’t really want to go then get the hell out of Dodge. (c) If it’s your house and you want her to go: hint only in the mildest, most deniable of terms, i.e. ‘Gee, I have to get up early tomorrow’. Wait a good hour before doing this. If she seems intent on crashing or she’s fallen asleep you have to let her stay or she may make a false rape accusation against you. (d) If it’s your house and you want her to stay, invite her. If she says no, check that she’s good to get home.
- If this is a first-time partner: the next day, perhaps in the afternoon, send her a short email saying something like, ‘sleepy today, all your fault grrr’. In Asia you can add a cute sticker. Wait for her similarly inane reply. Save it carefully because this will provide evidence in your favor in case she makes a false rape accusation against you. It is called the ‘you didn’t rape me text’.
- Wait a few days before contacting her again (unless she contacts you). Over-eagerness will make her lose attraction and reinterpret the encounter that you had.
Things not to do:
Do not leave too hurriedly, or ask her to. If you say, ‘Right, now fuck off out of my house, you tawdry wench’, you can expect a rape accusation in short order, even if she was on top screaming ‘fuck me big boy!’ just a moment ago. Think I’m paranoid? Read this. And this.
But isn’t this cold, clinical and calculating? Isn’t sex supposed to be all about love, intimacy and letting go of inhibitions? Yes, it’s cold these days. In fact, it’s brutal.
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